Not what I had planned but here we are. Exclusive pumping and me.

I have had the pleasure of working with Grace supporting her to breastfeed her son. It has been a complicated and difficult  journey for her. She had been through so much by the time we met. Breastfeeding for Grace is pumping exclusively, not what she had planned but how things turned out. Exclusively pumping can be a choice for many mothers but when breastfeeding hasn't gone as planned it can be wrapped up in lots of complicated feelings. 

As anyone I have worked with knows, I strongly encourage women to find breastfeeding support. To have that friend who you can text in the small hours of the morning, to go to a breastfeeding support group and make your mum friends. Being with other mothers who get it is so important. As I was wrapping up a follow up call with Grace I asked her if she had gone to a group and how she has experienced support for exclusively pumping. What she shared with me really struck a chord. I was delighted when she agreed to share her story.

“I feel like you asked a really good question Catherine! I have lots of friends who are all breastfeeding. We've all had babies literally within weeks of each other. Which is great in so many ways. But while I have felt like I definitely have support from my friends, I still feel isolated. 

The flexibility of breastfeeding was one of the things I had looked forward to when I was pregnant. I had planned to go to all the mother and baby groups and classes. But the timing and restrictions that I have with pumping make it difficult. My friends have been able to get out and do an awful lot more than me. Which has made me feel a lot more isolated in comparison. I've tried to explain what is involved in pumping but I don't think people fully understand. 

A friend of mine recently told me that she pumped for two weeks, but for her it was too much. I never even knew, it’s not something she talked about at the time. She explained how when you're pumping you're feeding twice. You're pumping which takes X amount of time and then your bottle feeding afterwards. And I just thought, that is exactly it!  “I can't believe you're doing it, fair play to you”, she has been one of the only people that actually really gets it. She also understood that the only reason I am doing it is for my son's health. 

That’s something that I have found people don't think about. The reason that I’m doing this is for him. I'm not getting that physical experience of feeding at the breast, or the convenience of breastfeeding.  I know there are challenges that come with that as well. So there's obviously pros and cons to everything. So even though he is exclusively breastfed, when I'm talking to my friends about breastfeeding the challenges they have are very different to what I have experienced. 

Breastfeeding groups upset me because I don't feel like I belong there. When I tell other mothers that I'm pumping they automatically ask why. I find myself trying to explain that I'm pumping because him having my milk is really important to me. People don't tell me well done. I would rather be breastfeeding him myself but it didn't happen for us.  I have all the messy feelings of guilt and shame around that as well.  I'm constantly trying to justify myself. 

There aren't very many resources available. Websites that have information about pumping assume that you're also breastfeeding. So if you get a plugged duct they tell you to get the baby to clear it. That blog that you sent me was the only thing that I've ever read that understood or seemed to understand the challenges that I have. The way that I feel, the guilt that I have. I have struggled to find things that I can relate to. 

When friends and family see that he's being fed with a bottle they automatically want to feed him. I've wanted to keep that closeness between me and him. To keep it special between us, as close to breastfeeding as I can. He doesn't settle as well when in other people's arms. He wants to be in my arms and I like that because that's the way it's meant to be! I want to have that connection desperately, to preserve that and it’s been hard. Especially when he was very young and I had to explain that we were doing paced bottle feeding. I felt I wasn't getting that one to one time I would have if I was breastfeeding him. 

I'm now at a stage where everyone's telling me to stop. That's kind of annoying me as well because I'm doing what is recommended and I should be encouraged to keep doing it. But people don't like that I'm struggling to get out which I understand too. I’m being told to just use formula, that it's easier and I'm too tied to the pump. I feel like now people's tolerance of me pumping is waning because of the inconvenience.

It's been good to even think about this, because it is a really valid question. I hadn't actually thought about the support angle. They're really isn't much support at all for women in this position. It's a shame because I imagine that most other mothers who end up here have tried so hard to breastfeed. If I ever have another baby I want to breastfeed and I hope I don't have to do this again but I would do it again”


Thank you Grace for sharing your experience. Breastfeeding looks different for everyone.